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True Roommate Story-filth Taken To A New Level
By dan the roommate man, Fri Dec 9th
I think that I, along with one of my best friends, were the twoworst roommates ever. We were legendary for our filth. It was our sophomore year that we decided to live together. Eachof us had problems the year before because the standards of ourprevious roommates were way too rigorous. The students in our all-male dorm were primarily underclassmenso it was a pretty crappy place to begin with. You know howthose places are ... puke in the bathroom that sits there fordays; trash cans in the common areas filled with rotten food andbeer cans; that urine smell that pervades the entire dorm...Ourroom was much, much worse. What started out as simply messyturned into a biohazard.
It started out as a contest to determine who was lazier. Wethought it would be funny to see who could come up with the mostcomically absurd way to do something with the least amount ofwork. It started with throwing the daily newspaper on the floor whenwe were done with it. This being funny for all of two seconds weprogressed to empty pizza boxes and rough drafts of papers.After a week we started adding our bottles and cans to themix. (Now you have to understand that we were drinking veryheavily. I was drinking nearly seven or eight quarts of Magnummalt liquor a day, and he was contributing vast numbers of cans). When cold season came around we would add our snot rags. When Icoughed up flim I would spit it onto the heap. It was notunusual for one of us to drink too much and vomit in bed. In themorning we would simply scrape the vomit onto the floor and turnthe mattress over (neither one of us used sheets). I think that one night, after watching "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer"we decided that since we were living like cavemen our dorm roomshould be as cave-like as possible. We got some black plasticsheeting and covered the single window in our room, sealing itwith tape so that no light could get in. The downside
was thatwe could no longer open the window to let in fresh air. That'swhen it began to stink. When rotten but sits out for a fewdays it begins to smell like vinegar. All the half-drunk canslying around the room would get knocked over and spill thisfoul, sticky sludge all over our already stinky stuff. Withoutfresh air the room got even worse. We soon had whole colonies of flies and roaches living in ourroom, scurrying around like they owned the place. Being too lazyto kill them, we had a rule that they would be eliminated onlyif they crawled on us while we were awake. Barring that theywere free to do as they pleased. One night after way too many beers I decided that walking acrossthe hall to the bathroom was too much work so I opened the doorand peed out into the carpeted hallway. This became a nightlyritual. I think that twice a month the exterminator would go from roomto room spraying for bugs. When he came to our room he would keyin, look around, and walk out. I guess he figured it was of nouse even trying. The funny thing was that very few people knew we lived likethis. We were both preppy, clean-cut fraternity guys. All theparties were at the house so nobody ever came to visit. Havingfemales over was out of the question but there were ways to workaround that. Towards the end of the semester word began to get out and werealized that while people were laughing eventually somebody inHousing was going to get upset. We were concerned too aboutleaving it over Christmas break. Who knew what would grow inthere while we were gone? The trash was thigh-high and walkingaround in the room was nearly impossible. It took us a solid day and a half to clean that ten by fifteenfoot room. The next semester was pretty bad but it never go likeit did before. The next year we moved into the fraternity houseand had different roommates, so we were never able to combineforces again. But for that one year we really were the worstroommates ever. About the author:dan the roommate man www.roommateexpress.com
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